Friday, January 7, 2011

"I Look Forward to Your Blog" was Just what I Needed.

Life can be discouraging, even if something horrible isn't going on. Its that internal dialog that although keeps you company can also tear you down. "Your embarrassing yourself...You'll look like a fool...You've got to be kidding...Why are you even trying?" I am my best friend and my worst enemy. I am the first one to defend me and also the first to tell me I should just give up.

I started school when I was 4 years old. I was born in late October and was also young/immature for my age. I had a lazy eye so I wore glasses with a patch. I started out struggling in school and it took me until 7th grade when I finally caught up after being placed in a special reading group. Because I struggled in school I learned to work very hard, put in 110%, do the extra credit, sit in the front of the class and show the teacher I was interested in learning. It is a habit I still have and it continues to help me succeed. Even though I was in the National Honor Society and was ranked in the top 10% in my very competitive High school I will still be the first to admit I'm stupid. This is a label I just can't let go. I know I'm wrong and I correct myself after my initial impulse, but my first instinct is to claim I'm dumb.

The last class I took at my Alma Madder was a Freshman English class. My biggest struggles growing up came in reading and writing and I was sure I was going to fail the class so I left it until the end. I refused to read until I was in 4th grade and I failed most spelling tests in elementary school. Now a day I may have been diagnosed with something but back in the 60's I was left to fail. I got a B in that Freshman English class even after telling myself I should be happy with a D.

With my recent Life change of becoming unemployed and trying to put together a new life I somehow listened to that negative inner voice reminding myself of the failure I had turned out to be. My office closed and everyone was displace, but I was really the only one that was let go. Others moved on by choice or were transferred, but me?...I was the only one on unemployment in the end. So what do I have to say to anyone in a blog, an immature stupid cross-eyed monkey with a patch, who can't spell, and didn't read until she was 8?

My sister who is a News Radio Journalist and Reporter told me that she missed my blog, and that she looked forward to it. That's just what I needed to sit down and put down my thoughts. "You can do it...You have lots to say...Who cares who reads it...Who cares if nobody reads it...You are not stupid."
I still have lots to say, and there is spell check.

                                                          my sister and me


  1. Wow, that was so interesting because just last night I was reading a blog post of yours and thinking what a great writer you are. We really do have a hard time leaving our childhood insecurities behind, don't we? I love your blog too!

  2. Ceal,
    You inspire my daughter Claire. She has had a lot of challengesin her life (24 week preemie, cross eyed...). She works so hard. She many times wonders out loud if it is worth it
    Your story gives her hope!
    Bill McDonald